do what you´re afraid of

an old friend who goes by the name of dirt told me that today, and that´s exactly what i´m doing, what i´ve been doing.

3400km. i know people can hitch across canada in a week.. surely in 3 weeks i have time to do what it is i need to do?

i need to get a really big knife. and a can opener. and maybe a little camping stove. but i can always just make a fire. or just eat canned corn, used to live off of it, why should it be any different now?

i am kind of scared even though i boldly proclaimed that i´m not afraid of anything, which is false, i´m sure there are some things out there that would send me screaming and running in the opposite direction, but for some strange reason i have absolutely no fear regarding what i´m about to do.

buenos aires is wonderful beautiful and exquisite, the people i´ve met here have truly marked me and i am seriously thinking into finding a way to come back here, and live here maybe, who knows. i really like this place, i like that it´s cheap and beautiful and makes me feel safe, it makes me feel alive and happy.
montreal did that for me when i first moved there.. and now it just makes me feel empty and sad, i go out cause i have nothing better to do, always the same hollow faces, always the same sketchy places. i gave up everything i had in france and took off for a better life in montreal, i got a better life in the sense where yes i have a roof, and a family, and good friends.
but i lost my reason to be. which is to just be and live.

the road is long but it is there, waiting for me, calling out, i haven´t come this far to tread water in buenos aires, i was just testing it..

so, my route starts at viedma, which is a short ferry ride from c. del patagones, and then it´s straight down on road 3 for about 1700 km. and then.. the end of the road. the end of the world. alone. finally.

alone.

a lot of the things that i am running away from....

what exactly am i running away from, anyway? why the hell have i had this dream stuck in my head for as long as i can remember, to sit on top of a cliff and look out at the icy cold waters where the south pacific and atlantic join, and smoke a joint and forget about everything and everyone?
i´m going to prance around in my tutu on the edge of the world and cross my fingers i don´t slip off a glacier and end up in a museum in 2000 years.

i have this weird running away from everything syndrome that i think i´ve had ever since i read on the road and decided i was going to run away from boarding school with my guitar and my friend julien. obviously it didn´t work, but i was 12, and that need to escape was already well anchored within me.

the thing is i can´t really run away from myself, well i do, in some ways, i suppose, but what i´m trying to do now is to try and figure out what exactly, who exactly, and why.. why i need to run away constantly. maybe i can find my brain down there, maybe i´ll fall in love with a little stretch of land that i can call my own, raise some guanacos, maybe i´ll learn mapuche and find a new cause to fight for.
or maybe i´ll just come back the same and feel disappointed.


my accordeon is quickly becoming my best friend. it sounds human enough to maybe be human, wailing out my lament to the world, wailing out my immense tristesse to whichever air current will listen..

il n´y a plus que la patagonie.. la patagonie qui ne convienne a mon immense tristesse..